Return Jedi
Return Jedi
Countdown To Face-Off
Two members of the North Division galaxy will square off tonight, as the Kalamazoo Wings host the Toledo Walleye on Stars Wars Night.
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It's strange that women think we guys aren't very in touch with ourselves. There are now so many New Age self-help books out there telling you to love yourself, but guys have really always been willing to undertake the hard task of getting to grips with themselves. Sometimes three or four times a day. Jerking off, playing hand solitaire, choking the chicken, shaking hands with the orangutan ... these are all names for that special time when a guy gets to spend a little quality time with himself.
Unfortunately he can't always count on being alone and, like a seniors' bowls tournament, masturbation is not much of a spectator sport. Coitus interruptus is one thing. Wankus interruptus is something else completely and most guys have been subjected to the humiliation of being caught in the act.
There are a number of ways we guys deal with being caught red-faced and red-handed. Here are some of them:
The Elaborate Lie
Picture this: you let yourself into your man's apartment to surprise him with chow mein from Mr Chan's, and find Mr Right on the couch shaking the pelvic champagne bottle. Seeing your face, he does what guys throughout history have always done: lie.
'You know, the funniest thing happened,' he says. 'I was walking to the kitchen and I tripped over the remote control, accidentally switching on this Polish lesbian porn. The force of my fall broke my belt, causing my pants to slip down round my ankles and the rush of adrenalin I got from falling gave me a hard-on.' You've got to give us points for creativity.
The Justification
Of course, lying is not the only way we try to get out of it. There's also the more advanced tactic of acting proud to be caught playing with the python. 'Yes, that's right, I'm jerking off,' he says, looking at you proudly. 'I refuse to submit to the repressive Victorian idea that masturbation is somehow wrong. After all, there's no risk of STDs, no small talk in the morning and no wondering whether I have to change my relationship status on Facebook.' He gets up and stands there naked except for his socks. 'And, besides, if Henry and I want a little alone time, that's our decision.'
'Henry?' you ask, wondering whether there is something else he hasn't told you. 'Well, he does have a name,' he says, looking down at his crotch. 'Not that you've ever bothered to ask.'
The Jedi Mind Trick
You'd think that getting caught with an industrial-sized tube of K-Y Jelly and a box of Kleenex would be enough for a guy just to admit that he's masturbating. Not so. 'Just doing some work,' he says.
'Really?' you say, 'because it looks like you're spanking the monkey.' He looks both disappointed and hurt. 'What makes you think that?' he asks. 'Well, you're naked, covered in lube and have a massive erection,' you reply.
He gives you a patient look. 'Yes, but besides that do you have any real evidence?' You don't answer. 'You see, you're always jumping to conclusions,' he says. 'Now I've really got to finish working on the Jameson account, babe.' Has the Jedi mind trick ever actually worked? Well, no, but there's always a first time.
The Attempt to Make it Sexy
Trust me: no guy is going to complain if he comes home to find a girl pleasuring herself. But somehow a sweaty guy tugging on the tiger is just never going to achieve the same visual result as a girl pushing her own buttons.
Still, you can't blame a guy for trying. 'I was just getting so horny thinking about you,' he says in a husky voice, 'and I couldn't wait for you to get here.'
Never mind the fact that he was passing the time by watching Inspect Her Gadget and Schindler's Fist. Hey, it's an art.
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